A darkly humorous fantasy in which mayhem is caused with a curse in the Mayan Calendar that says the end of the world is NOW !
We have a cast of characters searching for the secret portal in an almond-flavoured city surprisingly close to the right of your left shoulder.
A list of hair-curling predictions in the ancient Mayan Calendar comes to a clanking full stop on December 21. This is somewhat inconvenient for those who‘d planned to celebrate a birthday on December 22 as now they’ll have to cancel the juggler. It’s the end of the world. Obviously! But someone out there knows differently…
A lost little boy called Blu travels through time and space with BodPod, his imaginary flying robot, in search of his father.
In the futuristic city of Amygdala he meets NoName, a wandering musician who has obliterated his memory and identity because of a song he wrote that was so awful the whole world laughed.
NoName is blissfully unaware he’s being pursued by supernatural beings intent on taking over his mind and stealing a secret hidden in his words and music.
Nor does he realise he’s activated an ancient curse in the Mayan Calendar which causes a distant planet to break out of its solar system and is set to bring death and destruction to Earth.
Even now it is heading towards us. LOOK OUT !
Blu must help NoName fight his inner demons and identify himself with his song so he can break the curse and save the world.
Our heroes are helped by giant statues Doom and Gloom, guardians of the Mayan Calendar, who foolishly allowed the curse to be set free because of a game of backgammon.
Doom and Gloom use magical backgammon moves to lead Blu and NoName to The Last Chance Saloon which, like Amygdala, is a place curiously close to the right of your left shoulder.
Every decision from that point onwards and upwards has a direct effect upon the future of the world. If they get it wrong, we’re all doomed…!
It all began in the Yucatan three thousand six hundred years ago when the idea of a parallel universe is demonstrated to the Maya.
Contacted by an elite Tribunal of Destiny from a friendly but, as yet, unseen planet, the Maya are taught how to embrace their alter-egos.
These High Representatives, none of them under nine feet tall, explain that they live on Urizen, an unknown planet tantalisingly close to ours. By singing and clicking, the Urizeneers tell how in three thousand six hundred years’ time, they will call upon their earthly alter-egos to transport them to a new dimension in order to raise their level of consciousness. This astral travelling will be achieved via a Blue Hole (a Black Hole will spaghettify them).
Their masterful plan involves harnessing the total energy of the world’s population, humans having sufficiently evolved by then to be in nirvana (not the one near Dorking, the other one).
The process will begin with the repeating of a seemingly random phrase of five words and seven musical notes simultaneously across the globe, which is the signal for everyone to chant ‘OMMM’.
Such an immense choral force will create a drone note with enough power to connect Urizen to Earth.
A special sonic key will open the Ommulatian Portal, giving Urizeneers access to a new universe and a more highly evolved life on the other side of the Blue Hole.
In return, Urizeneers guarantee to foil wrap their planet with its abundant natural resources, place it in the equivalent of a cosmic shopping trolley and donate it to Earth, giving us another million years of the good life.
The offer seems exceedingly generous. But there’s one small snag…
Urizeneers know that Nibiru, the naughtiest planet in the Ballet of the Fallen Stars, a music and dance extravaganza performed in the Theatre of the Firmament, is elbowed out of the chorus line during the finale, setting it on a direct course for the centre of the Earth.
Unless an invisible connection has been made with Urizen, making the Earth jiggle a tiny bit to the left, the rogue planet, now hotter than an ashtray, will vaporise the world.
The Mayan King and his Scribes, nervous at having all this information in their back pockets, were they to have any, beg their lanky friends to record it for them.
Happy to oblige, the Urizeneers meticulously write their Prophecy on a star-shaped stone.
After reminding the tribesmen about the OMMM, and warning them that if they get the notes or the timing wrong they are jaguar meat, the visitors bid their Mayan friends farewell and, like good quality dark chocolate, melt into nothingness.
ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED YEARS AGO
The Mayan Calendar, compiled from scraps of information written on the underside of petrified coca leaves (you‘d have been frightened, too, if you knew your next destination was the toothless cavity of a Urizeneer), is etched onto stone slabs and into legend. Tales are still told of the mysterious visitors appearing from the left shoulder of a Mayan chieftain.
The calendar and its star stone is hidden at the bottom of a granite tomb, deep within a sacred temple buried inside a mountain, until Emanon, a disaffected Mayan kicked out of the tribe for rolling coca leaves in paper and selling them to children, steals the revered almanac with the help of his shifty shaman, Itzcuintli.
Knowing that if they’re caught they will be horribly tortured to death (which begs the question of what it’s like to be pleasantly tortured to death), the duo sneak past Doom and Gloom, two immense stone carved statues who guard the entrance. Except that they are not on guard. They are playing backgammon (it’s at a critical stage with everything to play for, so they do not see the thieves).
Emanon grabs the calendar but, appropriately, drops the last page, the all-important star-shaped stone containing the Urizeneer Prophecy.
In the ensuing panic, Itzcuintli treads on a giant armadillo which emits a blood-curdling scream, and Emanon leaves behind his orange saddle-bag fashioned from vicuña hide.
They fully expect to be captured and forced to endure hideous knife prodding and skin-flaying so beloved by their fellow Maya. But luck continues to hobble beside them, for Doom and Gloom are busily arguing over a controversial backgammon move.
The thieves escape over the mountains and Emanon hides the Mayan Calendar after making a pact with Itzcuintli to return to earth when the Urizen Prophecy comes true. Some nifty wizardry takes place and they settle down for The Long Sleep.
NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE YEARS AGO
Quail hunters stumble across the Mayan Calendar in the disused mountains of Paranoidell.
Unable to shoot it, eat it or drink from it, they’re a bit stymied, especially with all the writing. Then one of them remembers he has a cousin who knows a man who’s wife’s uncle once read a book and so he puts it in a sack of dead quails. Or he would have done if they’d shot any. So he puts it into an empty sack.
NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT YEARS AGO
Someone’s uncle knows a book when he sees one and settles down to read it, except that it’s full of scribbles and impenetrable. He takes it to a friend who is well versed in the art of glyphics and, to disambiguate what is fast becoming a monochromatic explanation, the wretched Mayan Calendar is translated, stopping abruptly and rather worryingly on December 21 2012.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, the Mayan Temple and Tomb has been raided by a man carrying a bull-whip and wearing a brown felt hat, accompanied by a woman with unlikely proportioned breasts, finely-honed legs and a ridiculously athletic spine (we’ve all seen the films!).
The curious star-shaped rock, found at the bottom of the sarcophagus, is sewn into a nearby orange saddle-bag and dumped in an old house in Timbuktu.
Time licks another clock face and life goes merrily on.
A HUNDRED YEARS AGO
Planes and boats and trains are getting a serious look in. Next they’ll be talking about sending a rocket to the moon. I ask you…!
FORTY ONE YEARS AGO
The enigmatic orange leather bag (still with the star-shaped rock sewn into its undercarriage) is discovered in a museum’s musty old vault.
Discarded during a spring clean, the saddle-bag is picked up by a horse-trader and eventually makes its way to a souk in Marrakech where it is sold to a musician for thirty dirham.
The bag is too small for his guitar but will be fine for harbouring sandwiches, if he can afford to buy any.
He likes its ancientness and its orangey colour. It reminds him of a girl he’s yet to meet…
THIRTY NINE AND-A-HALF YEARS AGO
Souk-less and fancy free, and with no particular place to go, the hippie musician befriends Professor Fullov Steme and his wife, Bernice, migrating Pestilential Jews from the Steppes of the Once-Fertile-But-Now-Denuded Territories.
They have a teenage daughter, Renata, a strange girl with startling hair and a burning stare that exterminates wasps.
Despite her idiosyncrasies (she has a pet armadillo, is peculiarly fond of Oranges and has an Obsession with the letter ‘O’), Renata displays an un-engineered charm which he finds impossibly captivating.
Such charisma is not shared by her armadillo who rummages through the musician’s saddle-bag, ripping the stitching.
Our hero, who never introduces himself by name, him being a hippie and all that, discovers the star-shaped stone and its hieroglyphics in the bottom of the bag.
Renata develops a fondness for the stone, almost to the point of rudeness.
When the musician departs for foreign shores, or possibly Brighton, he gives the starstone to the girl as a keepsake, telling her to keep it safe because one day he’ll return for it… and her.
Unknown to him, she slips a billet-doux into his bag.
NINETEEN YEARS AGO
Renata follows her father into the world of chemistry, becoming the world’s leading pharmacist by developing previously unheard of techniques in the field of pharmacoepidemiology, the unpronounceable study of the use and effects of drugs in large numbers of people. Curiously, for research which primarily involves vast numbers, she insists on working in complete solitude.
This is largely due to the fact that she personally trials all the drugs she concocts.
It’s kind of risky, but she likes it. And it does have its advantages.
Ooh, look at that herd of incarnadine elephants flying over that wrinkly lamp-post, the one with the icing on the top…
TODAY is the halfway point in our calendrical countdown to December 21 2012, the day the Mayan Calendar suggests the pugilist god Bolon Yokte descends to earth in a bit of a strop and the Bolon balloon goes up !
As we’ve explained, there is a way to counteract the Mayan Prophesy that involves a series of delicate steps through a secret portal into an unknown world of Mayan and modern mayhem.
The whole frenzied farrago is cautiously explained in the beautifully illustrated
DOOM and GLOOM at the LAST CHANCE SALOON
Here we attempt to give a flavour of such dark riddlings before the book is available.
If you weren’t worried fifteen days ago, if only for our sanity, you certainly should be now !
THIRTEEN YEARS AGO
An unknown musician without a decent song to his name, writes a tune so extraordinarily bad that it soars to the top of every existing music chart (and a few that don’t exist, for reasons of unclaimed Royalties).
Thanks to a serious lack of imagination among sentient beings, the song is played daily for the next thirteen months. This thoroughly depresses everyone, including him.
Being the object of that amount of ridicule is hurtful and shirt-staining so he tries to forget who he is and that he ever wrote the song. So successful is he that he can’t remember his own name.
We’ll call him NoName.
Coincidentally, our half-baked musician has accidentally produced a unique combination of words and music needed to trigger the exodus of the Urizeneers from their world to a new dimension.
The sequence of events is enough to awaken NoName’s alter-ego, Emanon, and the shaman, Itzcuintli, from a deep slumber.
Only Emanon and Itzcuintli know the secrets of the Mayan Calendar and are sure that the world does not end in December 2012.
They also know that the song, with its magical words and music, has a crucial part to play in accessing the Blue Hole (far cleaner, healthier and more ergonomic than a Black Hole).
For as soon as the Ommulatian Portal opens, Urizeneers will waft to a bright new galaxy where they can continue developing their inner consciousness.
Emanon will then rule the world.
The search can now begin for the Mayan Calendar and the missing star-shaped stone.
Once the mission is accomplished, Emanon will prime the sonic key and get everyone in the world to say OMMM, thus connecting Earth with Urizen and opening the portal to the Blue Hole.
Then he must destroy his alter-ego, the maladroit musician, NoName.
ELEVEN AND A BIT YEARS AGO
During the last eighteen months, our inept musician has become morose and severely depressed. He no longer writes songs, sings or play the Andalusian flute (in truth, he could never play the Andalusian flute, but he can badly strum a guitar and poorly play a piano so, really, he should have been a drummer).
His (s)hit song is eventually taken off the daily play-list (street parties are held to celebrate this news) but it doesn’t help NoName, who has lost everything, including his memory.
He has no idea that the song has awoken his alter-ego, Emanon, who, if you can remember back that far, slid into suspended animation with his shaman to await the notes and words prophesied by the Urizeneers which, if carefully nurtured, will begin to open the Blue Hole.
It was only ten days ago, on Day 22.
KEEP UP !
By using ancient powers of cause and effect, Emanon has now become the beneficent founder of global drugs company Gloom Management Incorporated (GMi), vowing to lighten the mood of the world’s population which despaired at having to listen to our musician’s Country and Western song.
(It is a certifiable fact that in areas where the population is exposed to high levels of C&W music, a higher than average suicide rate is experienced. This is unsurprising with song titles like, ‘I Don’t know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling’; ‘If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now’, and; ‘You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly’).
Emanon finds this statistic strangely exhilarating. He wants to keep people alive so they will do his bidding, like chanting OMMM to order. But first he must contrive to lift them out of depression.
One of his first tasks is to appoint the world’s leading expert on ‘happy pills’…
ELEVEN YEARS AGO
Brilliant pharmacologist Professor Renata Steme is hired by GMi to develop a new drug, Absoblutamol.
In her haste to find a potent pill to banish the blues, she does not realise an untried and untested element is added into the mix.
Having decided she will be the sole guinea-pig during the drugs trials, she swallows all the potions, with disastrous personal consequences. Somewhere between starting work at 8 AM and lunchtime, she turns blue.
She believes one of the active ingredients dramatically affected her pigmentation and made her lose her short-term memory. Despite being a genius, she can’t work out which one.
Her trials and tribulations do not end there. She’s not sure how it happened, but by the end of her first week at GMi, she is pregnant.
NINE MONTHS LATER
Renata gives birth to a boy. She has no recollection of how she became pregnant, where it happened or when. This is unfortunate because she wasn’t planning on becoming a mother. It’s perhaps even more unfortunate for the child whom she names Blu… because he is.
Her erratic behaviour impacts on her maternal instincts. A year after giving birth she surgically removes her heart in order to continue working at GMi, (they have brutally tough employment contracts for executives).
This is good news for Emanon who, you may recall, started the company seemingly to ‘happy-up’ people. His secret plan, however, is to make everyone dependent upon Absoblutamol, thus exerting total control over them, making them chant Ommm when necessary (while making his bed at the same time).
Now that his drugs’ czarina is heartless, it makes it easier when appealing to her sense of morality… she has none!
But time is running out. It is exhausting having to support two alter-egos, and Emanon cannot rid himself of the wretched musician who seems to be receiving some sort of external assistance; weird power surges are beginning to sap the energy resources of the reconstituted Mayan.
THREE YEARS AGO
Blu is an enchanting child with some highly unusual traits. For example, he grows at three times the rate of normal children. So at the age of three, he’s actually aged nine.
His intellectual powers are also significantly developed, but not in a conventional way. He sees life with crystallised simplicity, varnished with a mahogany of inescapable rectitude that defies grown-up logic.
Such maxims are too often dismissed as cliche or for being de rigueur, but Blu’s unadorned rationale has no known equal.
But when all’s said and done, he’s still a little boy who wants his mum.
He also doesn’t have a clue about his father. Neither do we, and his mum won’t tell him. Or us!
All he knows is that, rather inconveniently for him, she removed her heart the day after his first birthday (when he was three). Since then, he’s been a motherless child.
Ah, dear old BodPod.
Here is a toy after a boy’s own heart. And every child’s fevered imagination.
BodPod is a flying machine that can go anywhere in this, or any other, world. Together they embark on flights of fantasy that would astonish the most intrepid of explorers: to far-flung moons or to the deepest parts of oceans; speaking with kings and dancing with lizards.
In his short life, Blu has met more phantasmagorical characters than seems appropriate for a boy of his age. But in his world it’s all perfectly normal and necessary.
It’s all thanks to BodPod, the mother and father he never had. And to Doom and Gloom.
On one particularly exhausting trip, Blu and BodPod meet Doom and Gloom, once the giant granitic Guardians of the Mayan Calendar.
The ancient almanac that foretells the end of the world was stolen from under their stone noses while they were immersed in their one thousandth game of backgammon, with everything to play for.
Later they would pay dearly for this mistake by having arms, legs and bodies removed. It was a particularly inventive Mayan punishment for the acknowledged backgammon champions of the world, and meant they could no longer play the game they loved. Whoever heard of a backgammon player with only a head?
During the passing of millennia, the Stone Heads, as they inevitably became known, developed their own style of playing, which involved astral projection, thought transference and telekinesis.
They also became practised in the art of disappearing and reappearing in a completely different place, a trick taught to them by four Urizeneers whom they met while cogitating on the colatitude.
The meeting of Doom and Gloom is no accident.
Within weeks, Blu and BodPod learn much about the secrets of the Universe and are introduced to fabulous beings.
It is while exploring the almond-flavoured city of Amygdala that the unlikely twosome bump into NoName, the dispirited onesome. This greatly exercises the Stone Heads who tell Blu to help the musician find his identity.
Blu isn’t sure why, but the stoned giants urge on him the urgency of doing this, and doing it fast.
Apparently, there is no time to lose…
Blu takes NoName into the city where he is supposed to face down his demons and then find his own way through a hidden portal into The Last Chance Saloon.
The problem is that he’s off his face for much of the time and no great help to anyone.
His miserable life is not helped by Emanon and Itzcuintli who use all their magical powers to thwart his progress. They also set out to destroy Blu and his mother, believing them to be of no further use.
The missing Star Stone must be found before Emanon’s devilishly cunning plan can be put into operation, or Earth will be doomed forever.
Blu must help the musician find his identity, for only NoName can destroy Emanon, his alter-ego.
Blu must also restore his mother’s heart so she can help him and NoName save the world by opening the Blue Hole and averting the disaster of the flaming comet. Then there is the vexing problem of finding his father.
Guidance is promised by The Stone Heads, who are notoriously unreliable, preferring to finish their game of backgammon.
It takes them a while to realise that their new game has taken on a new life. Every time they move a piece it has a direct effect upon the players on earth who are trying to save the world.
The outcome of their new game will be The Future of the World.
Our Timeline began in the Yucatan three thousand six hundred years ago when the Maya met the Urizeneers.
We also talked about the Ballet of the Fallen Stars in which a rogue planet explodes, prompting a flaming comet to start heading this way.
You’ll have to take our word for it, but that idea was written before researching available historical and cosmic data.
Spookily, it turns out that the Sumerians discovered the planet Nibiru, sometimes known as the 12th planet, around three thousand years ago.
Scientists, who named it Planet X, have since classified it as a ‘wandering planet‘ which, coincidentally, passes through our solar system every 3,600 years.
According to those who might know, it is about to bring cataclysmic consequences to earth.